Attack of the Ungulates

Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.  ~Mark Twain

*The following is an Orwellian take on Indian politics extending the “two cows” joke.

A year ago, thousands of cows broke into army bases all over the world and took over the artillery. They launched pre-emptive strikes and destroyed half of the world’s beef factories. This bovine coup drew major outrage from all the world’s leading nations. Obama, a veal aficionado, said “We will not support terrorism and meat this rebellion by force”. The steaks got so high that Putin himself was seen with a butcher’s knife which he then threw away to slaughter two bulls with his bare hands. The bovine forces have exploited their holy status and have used religion to take over India leaving the traffic in jeopardy.

The Italian heifer was found hiding in the closet during the attack and was found to comment that this invasion was a ploy designed by opposition leader, Moodi. He later retracted the comment, saying “My mother told me that perhaps the words I used were too strong… I am young”. Shashi Tharoor was not available to make “cattle class” comments. Though he may now find it funny.

In order to protect cows from harassment the new government forced the Supreme Court into passing a law that criminalized all “unnatural sex” with the punishment being life imprisonment. The LGBT community did not take this news gaily as apparently same sex relationships were considered to be an “unnatural offence” as well. The government also passed a Gaupal bill supposedly to curb milk adulteration. The bill however is not powerful enough to stop the top cows from excessive rumination.

Some good news for the Del-ite (Delhi renamed Deli) as the new chief minister promised reforms. He had taken the government by the horns and had managed to defeat the ruling party in its own turf in the recent elections. In order to prove his kosher-ness, he delivered the promised 20 kiloliters of free milk to poor calves. Sources claim that he is “working” on cleaning the barn and creating a stronger version of the anti-adulteration law. His diligence has gathered appraisal, sparked controversies and generated a lot of internet memes. Recently, he was yet again dragged into the mud as he tried to defend a fellow buffalo in an evidence trampling case.

Both bipeds and quadrupeds have their eyes set on this charging bull as tries to bring a change and bring the ordinary into the limelight. Talking about charging bulls brings us back to the situation at hand: the 2014 elections. The Cowngress heifer has surprised the nation by not running as Cowngress’s Prime Ministerial candidate for elections in 2014. The decision came after an embarrassing interview with Mr. Gauswami where he mooed absent mindedly about empowerment. Bovine Janata Party (BJP) candidate, Moodi, jokingly said that the Cowngress has already “accepted defeat”. He promised that he will rise to meet the aspirations of his supporters unlike the Cowngress. However skeptical experts fear that Moodi will overlook the minorities and force the country into veganism, worse, ban alcohol too.

Amidst all this politics the “aam aadmi” ( poor gai er.. guy) is being trampled under the hooves of these unholy ungulates. He might have thought that he controlled the cows. He might choose when to milk it but in reality it is the cow that sucks him dry. The cow appears docile. Those vacant eyes hide the ambition within. A cow is dangerous. Perhaps that’s why its tethered to a pole before milking. Anyways, all I can say is (and Gelett Burgess may agree):

“I once saw a Holy Cow,

Never again I hope to see one;

But I can tell you, anyhow,

I’d rather see one than be one.”

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